You’ve probably heard the advice: “Don’t tell, describe.” Or maybe you’ve come across the term declarative language in a PDA parenting group and wondered what it actually looks like in practice — not in theory, not in general terms, but right now at 7:45am when the shoes are still off and school is in twenty minutes.
This article gives you that: what declarative language is, why it works specifically for PDA children, and a large collection of concrete before-and-after examples you can actually use. No jargon, no preamble beyond what’s necessary.
What declarative language is
Declarative language is a way of communicating that describes, comments, observes, and shares — rather than directing, commanding, or requesting.
Most ordinary adult-to-child communication is imperative: it tells the child what to do, what to stop doing, or what to produce. “Put your shoes on.” “Stop hitting.” “Say thank you.” These are demands, even when delivered gently. They contain an expectation of compliance, and for a child with PDA, that expectation is enough to trigger the anxiety-driven avoidance response.
Declarative language replaces the expectation with information. Instead of telling the child what to do, you share what you notice, think, feel, or observe — and you leave the child to draw their own conclusion. The shoes still need to go on. The difference is in whether the instruction to put them on comes from you (an external demand) or from the child’s own understanding of the situation (an internal decision).
That shift — from external demand to internal conclusion — is small in form and enormous in effect for a PDA nervous system.
The PDA Society’s guidance on helpful approaches identifies declarative language as one of the core strategies for supporting PDA children. It sits alongside reducing demands, offering real choice, and collaboration as an approach that works with the PDA profile rather than against it.
Why it works for PDA specifically
For most children, a calm, clear instruction is the kindest and most effective way to communicate. You say what you need; they do it. The directness is considerate — it doesn’t leave them guessing.
For a PDA child, the kindness of a clear instruction doesn’t change what it is: a demand. Their nervous system registers the expectation of compliance before anything else, and that registration triggers anxiety. The anxiety drives the need to resist or avoid — not because the child has decided to refuse, but because the nervous system is responding to perceived threat.
This is why it doesn’t matter how calmly or warmly you make the request. A PDA child who melts down when you say “put your shoes on” is not responding to your tone. They are responding to the expectation embedded in the instruction.
Declarative language works because it removes — or significantly reduces — that embedded expectation. “I notice your shoes are still by the door” conveys exactly the same practical information as “put your shoes on,” but without the imperative structure that registers as a demand. The child can hear the information and act on it themselves, from their own motivation, without it feeling like compliance. Their autonomy is intact. The avoidance response has nothing to push against.
This is also why declarative language is not a trick. The child knows perfectly well what you mean when you say “I notice the shoes are by the door.” They are not being fooled. The game is transparent — and that’s fine, because it is not the transparency that matters. What matters is the absence of the command, which is what their nervous system was responding to.
What it sounds and feels like to use
The first thing most parents notice when they try declarative language is that it feels awkward. English conversation is full of imperative structures, and switching even temporarily to a descriptive mode requires real attention. You are likely to start an instruction, catch yourself, and have to rephrase mid-sentence. That’s normal.
The second thing parents notice is that it feels uncertain — like you’re not communicating clearly, or like you’re somehow letting the child off the hook by not stating your expectation directly. This feeling tends to be misleading. The child usually understands what you mean. And the “letting off the hook” concern often reflects a belief that the directness of an instruction is what motivates compliance — but with a PDA child, it is precisely the directness that prevents it.
A useful internal prompt: before you speak, ask yourself whether you’re about to make a statement or issue a direction. If it’s a direction, can you turn it into a statement instead?
Morning examples
Mornings are often the hardest time for PDA families — the combination of transition from sleep, the demand load of the school day ahead, and the sheer number of sequential tasks makes the demand pressure spike early. These before-and-after pairs are for that context.
Getting out of bed
Before: “Come on, time to get up.” After: “I’m getting up now. I’m not sure what the weather’s like yet.”
Before: “You need to be up in five minutes.” After: “I noticed the alarm went. I’m heading to the kitchen.”
Getting dressed
Before: “Get dressed now, please.” After: “I wonder which is warmer today — the striped one or the blue one.”
Before: “You need to put your clothes on before breakfast.” After: “I’m going to get dressed before I eat. I find it easier that way.”
Before: “You’re still in pyjamas! We need to leave soon.” After: “I notice the pyjamas are still on. The car’s going in about fifteen minutes.”
Shoes and coat
Before: “Put your shoes on.” After: “I notice your shoes are by the door.”
Before: “Get your coat — it’s cold.” After: “I’m putting my coat on. It felt cold when I opened the door earlier.”
Before: “Shoes on now, please. We’re leaving.” After: “I think we’re about ready. I’ve got my shoes on already.”
Breakfast
Before: “Come and eat your breakfast.” After: “Breakfast is on the table. I think it might get cold.”
Before: “Stop playing and come and eat.” After: “I’m starting to eat. The toast is there.”
Teeth
Before: “Go and brush your teeth.” After: “I’m going to brush my teeth now. The bathroom’s free.”
Before: “Have you brushed your teeth yet?” After: “I notice the toothbrush is still dry.”
Transition examples
Transitions — the shift from one activity to another, or from one location to another — are consistently difficult for PDA children. The demand pressure spikes at the point of change. Declarative language at transitions is about sharing information without embedding the expectation that the child will immediately respond.
Ending screen time
Before: “Time to turn the TV off.” After: “I notice we said we’d turn it off after this episode. This one looks like it’s nearly finished.”
Before: “You need to stop now.” After: “I’m going to turn the screen off in a bit. I’m not sure exactly when.”
Before: “Turn it off — I’ve said it twice.” After: “I think this is getting near the end. I’m heading to the kitchen.”
Leaving a play space
Before: “Right, it’s time to go.” After: “I’m starting to think about leaving. I wonder how long the parking runs out.”
Before: “Five more minutes and then we’re going.” After: “I’ve noticed it’s getting later. I’m going to start getting my things together.”
Before: “We have to go now — stop arguing.” After: “I’m at the door. I’m going to start walking to the car.”
Moving between rooms
Before: “Come into the kitchen, please.” After: “I’m in the kitchen. I’m making something.”
Before: “Come downstairs — dinner’s ready.” After: “Dinner’s on the table. I’m sitting down.”
Task and homework examples
Tasks — homework, tidying, helping, anything the child is expected to produce — carry significant demand weight. These examples are for that context.
Homework
Before: “You need to do your homework.” After: “I saw the homework book is in the bag. I was wondering when you were thinking of doing that.”
Before: “Do your homework before you do anything else.” After: “I notice homework tends to feel easier earlier. That’s just what I find, anyway.”
Before: “You haven’t done your homework yet.” After: “I think the homework is due tomorrow. I’m not sure if it’s done yet.”
Tidying
Before: “Tidy up your room.” After: “I notice there are quite a lot of things on the floor in there.”
Before: “Put your things away.” After: “I’m going to have a tidy round down here. The floor is getting hard to walk across.”
Before: “Come and help me clear the table.” After: “I’m starting to clear the table. I’m not sure where the big plates go.”
Coming off a device to do something
Before: “Put the tablet down and come and help.” After: “I could do with an extra pair of hands when you get to a good stopping point.”
Before: “Stop playing that and come here.” After: “I’m in the other room. I’ve got something I think you’d find interesting.”
Social and relational examples
These are for moments involving social expectations — situations where the demand is less about tasks and more about performance of behaviour.
Greeting someone
Before: “Say hello to Grandma.” After: “Grandma’s here. She was asking how you’ve been.”
Before: “Give Grandma a hug.” After: “Grandma’s leaving soon. I think she’d love to see you before she goes.”
Thank you
Before: “Say thank you.” After: “That was really kind of her to bring that.”
Eating at the table
Before: “Sit down at the table.” After: “I’m sitting down. I’m not sure I can reach the salt from here.”
Before: “Eat with a fork, not your fingers.” After: “I find a fork easier with this one. Less messy.”
Managing conflict with a sibling
Before: “Stop hitting your brother.” After: “I can see something difficult is happening. I’m going to come and sit near you both.”
Before: “Say sorry.” After: “I notice that felt like a big moment. I wonder what happened.”
Phrases to keep in your pocket
Some declarative phrases work across lots of situations. These are the general-purpose versions:
- “I notice…”
- “I wonder…”
- “I find that…”
- “I’m thinking about…”
- “I’m not sure yet…”
- “I’m going to…” (describing your own action rather than directing theirs)
- “It looks like…”
- “I remember that…”
These openers share information, invite thinking, and model behaviour — all without issuing an instruction.
Common difficulties
It feels passive
Using declarative language can feel like you’re not being clear enough, or like you’re giving the child the option to ignore you. This is a real discomfort for many parents, and it’s worth sitting with.
The thing is, for a PDA child, the attempt at clarity through direct instruction often produces a harder refusal than the apparently less-clear declarative statement. The child isn’t ignoring you when you use declarative language — they’re processing the information and acting on it in their own time. The comparison is with a child who is not ignoring you but is actively resisting — which is what the direct instruction tends to produce.
The child calls it out
Some PDA children — particularly older ones — will notice the shift and name it: “You’re doing that thing again where you say something about the shoes.” This is fine. You can acknowledge it: “Yeah, I notice we both find it easier that way.” The transparency doesn’t undermine the approach. What you’re doing is real and consistent; the child naming it doesn’t make it a trick.
It doesn’t work every time
It won’t. Declarative language reduces demand pressure; it doesn’t eliminate it. On a high-demand day, after a hard morning at school, or in a moment of heightened anxiety, even beautifully framed declarative statements may not move things. This is not a failure of the approach; it is information about the child’s current state. Lower demands further, and wait.
Building declarative language into daily life
The most effective use of declarative language is not as an emergency tool pulled out when things are already escalating — it is a consistent, daily posture that gradually reduces the ambient demand pressure your child experiences.
This means using it even in low-stakes moments, not just when you need compliance on something difficult. “I’m enjoying this weather” is declarative. “I was thinking about what we might have for dinner” is declarative. “I notice the park is quiet today” is declarative. Practising in low-stakes moments builds the habit and also means the shift in tone doesn’t only appear when you need something.
For the broader picture of PDA-aware communication and routines, the PDA and routines guide covers how declarative language fits alongside other approaches — reducing demands, offering real choice, and building in genuine low-demand periods.
For the approach that sits alongside declarative language in reducing daily demand load, see low-demand parenting.